Waking up early this August morning I began to persuade my BUNN coffee machine to administer its grace. I stood there watching it huff and puff, drip and putt, and spit its defiant reminders of it’s unique design. “Oh, right. I always forget about this part”, I found myself mumbling to my sleepy self. This machine’s capacity for immediate giving is predicated upon daily use, and since I was away for six consecutive days, this slow re-start time is imperative for it to regain strength, to reawaken its function, to refill its hot water reserve and perform as it once did. Perform for me. Give me what I needed to make me function. “Get on with it already.” I heard my impatient self declaring, but, as I said this, I felt a nudge from deep within, something sad, and I was quickly reminded of the last night’s news. Robin Williams dead at 63. My impatient anger mirrored something else.
I realize that I am more angry at the man behind the curtain that tricked you — Oh Robin, Our Robin — into believing that you were nothing more than a physicality, an after thought of of this rhythm of life, that It somehow persuaded you to give up on your capacity to live and love. I am left wanting and needing more of you. Just like this damn coffee machine. I want to ask you, and the so many of you who have chosen this same means of exit, did we expect too much of you? Did we not understand your unique design? Did we somehow talk ourselves into believing that you required no other avenue of sustenance, because your bountiful giving of joy must have, must have, provided leftovers for you to live upon? What did we miss? What could we have done, at that moment, to re-deliver the joy back to you? You must have been sputtering and puttering, unable to fill your tank. You leave me so scared Robin, because how is it possible that a man who had the capacity to tap into so much joy, be tricked into feeling that it was all so trite? Oh me, Oh life, what sovereignties do we not extend to each other? What resilience can we give? Grief knows no comfort, no answers, in this morning after. #sadness #RobinWilliams